1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
