dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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