Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
