I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
