Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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