the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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