my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
