He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
