she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
