so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
