I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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