Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
