You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
