Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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