I'm going to jail i love you
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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