That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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