guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
