I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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