every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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