Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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