So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
