I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
