just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i've created a new STD.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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