The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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