the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I AM VODKA MAN
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
