so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
