I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.