Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach