Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME