worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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