Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
