i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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