I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
