and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
