Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
