You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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