My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
