onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
