Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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