I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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