Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
