I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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