Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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