Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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