And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
