those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
operation have a gay friend backfired
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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