Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
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Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
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He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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