I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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