can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
