and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
