were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
