I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The beers last night were like the tears from god
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
