I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
