I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
