I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
