That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
