So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
